I already knew I was going to choose the Carly Simon song "That's The Way I've Always Heard It Should Be" so that I could paint more context and texture into this portion of my share because I'd already listened to it just to assure myself it was actually apropos, which caused me to listen with rapt attention.
That's when I was absolutely sure this is the song for me to share with you out of my desire to give you more than my pitiful heart has the ability.
Their children hate them for the things they're not
They hate themselves for what they are
And yet they drink, they laugh
Close the wound, hide the scar
You see, this song is so important because I've often pondered the relevance Exodus 34:7 held in my life. Don't know that one? "I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected— even children in the third and fourth generations.” "Your God's pretty awful, Tod"! To which I reply sincerely, "That's between you and He." Yes, it's an awful thing to recite to one’s self time and again, even if by “awful" I mean it’s a "hard" thing to do. I have a daughter, three grandchildren from my daughter, and a son to consider every time I consider that verse.
My children brought everything that was anything to me. Cheryl did everything she could to bring them into the world naturally. Both times, she went through 24 hours of labor before eventually ending up having medically necessary C-sections! It was her love in action. I don't remember for which child this was, but I remember hearing the obligatory - this is for real - "I want the doctor here now, and I want this baby out of me…NOW!"
Of course, after they were born into our world and as they grew, there were the good times. I remember watching "The Little Mermaid" with Anastasia when she was only four years old and hearing her recite each and every word in real-time. I remember Tod, at about the same age, always bending forward from the back seat of the car to lean against my arm. For some reason, he had a need to put his lips on my arm, too. I also remember the times I'd come home from work and both of them would scream out, “DADDY!" and then run and crash as hard as they could into my legs. Oh, how I’d pay the highest price, with the best meaning possible, to experience that again!
Here's where it all gets muddled. I wouldn't share the reality they experienced with their dad, out loud anyway, when they haven't asked me to do so. I can say they saw dad when he washed himself up to present himself to them, the two main people in his life who really did matter. Sometimes, though, they saw a very awful part of me - a part that was never able to figure out how to impart to them the manner in which to live a life capable of thriving and getting along in a very confusing world. They saw me at times, more than they should have, act very poorly. Sometimes they'd feel things, both physically and emotionally, they'd never have felt from a father who thought clearly because he was aware of who he was. They saw a father who would want to give up on life and try to end everything. They'd see this more than once. Now they have thoughts and memories, wounds and scars that will remain with them forever.
Not that it matters in the scheme of everything I've mentioned here, but it has left me with regrets that at times seem beyond any sort of release. I often feel that's my necessary repentance. Then I think of my “father." I think of how I came into the world. Then Exodus 34:6-7 comes to my mind, especially this part: "I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren.” I live precisely because of my father's sin. Whatever the reason, I've laid horrible crap onto my children. Now I see my daughter looking back at her life growing up and making damned sure she does things differently with her kids. Then my hope springs forward to let me know the cycle can and will end there with my daughter. My son? Well, that second Tod is doing well, plodding along and engaged to be married next year in Owensboro, Kentucky! Carly Simon sings some pretty poignant songs about real life. I think she's a keen observer of it, to which I say, "Thank God.”
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