How do I start to wrap this up? Seems I wrote this as a sort of manifesto back in 2010...
Tod Thomas Price September 5, 2010
This Much Only
Pieces of me, that’s all. Stay where you are. Come no closer. You need not know more. Stay where you are. Where I am you shall not come. You cannot enter. Here behind the veil lies all of me, something I keep in reserve, hidden, set aside for me and me alone, my secret guarded. One knot is my lock, Gordian knot to be sure, tried and true. Stay away. I will share, but on my terms and please be sure that only I hold these terms also within, they are mine as well! What is within is within for my reasons, for the purposes I choose. So stay away, and our unison will be strong. There are things within, many, many things—some good, some bad—but they shall be held with steely grit and determination. My life, my way, by this I am bound; and by this, I live or die. The things within may be hideous, they may be wondrously beautiful, but I am free of your rule. You have no power over me. I will be a rock, a fortress. If I acquiesce it is on my terms, and you shall see a little, but not all, never all. And be confident of this rule with firm resolution, for in that I will be happy. Do not pry, do not prod, and do not hope to know more than all that I reveal! There is so much within. Why do you wish for more? Don’t I know best what to deal out? Ask not the question “Who does he wish to protect?" for rather I protect myself or those without, only I can choose. The lock is strong, it will remain. Stay where you are, and with you do not think to bring along Alexander!
As I read that, I find I'm almost at a loss for words. I wonder how I never saw, noticed, nor understood all the problems this declared manifesto of mine brought me. While it took strength to accomplish the manifesto, the odd and sad reality is that only served to allow weakness to guide me into a dark, lightless, and colorless world without beauty where I was afforded no happiness. So it became the opposite of everything I've found to be real and meaningful in my life. When I held on to my self-imposed manifesto, there was only deep emotional pain in my life; when I threw away the manifesto, all that deep emotional left with it. The manifesto helped me conceal what was actually the truth behind the real cause and effect of all the dark pain in my life. Being honest, fiercely honest with the truth, well that happily annihilated the manifesto and allowed my healing to begin. With that healing, light has entered my life. With that light, I both see and write with color. All the color my light bestows me does indeed make me happy, and with this happiness I not only grin, I sometimes laugh out loud!
I guess I'm done, never know when I might add something in the future; although I'm also not sure why I would. So what have I tried to tell you, anyone of you who decided to wade through all this big ole mess that is my living life? Well, believe it or not, it all started out as something for my son after I'd heard a podcast from a show called "Night Sounds" I used to listen to that very show as a young Airman in the Air Force. Bill Pearce always did the show and in his soothing, calming baritone voice he'd share Christian topics with you that were encouraging, thoughtful, and meditative. They'd stick with me the rest of my night—my nights meaning when I was usually leaving second shift form Mt. Home AFB, or if I was working the graveyard shift, or if I just couldn't sleep that night. When I started writing this, I did what I always do, I paused. That's all, I just pause. I stop and don't write anything. Then I wait to hear something. I never know what I'm going to hear. I do know I'm almost always curious about what I hear and anxious to write it out in a way that, while it's not always grammatically correct and might have missing or misspelled words, comes across at least good enough to read. I want it to be something at least sort of understandable, making some sense, but most importantly that causes you to think. But when I started putting everything down I realized it had to be more than what I originally intended. I didn't realize until I started writing how much insight had coalesced in me to focus through so much misunderstanding and crappy murkiness in my life. It felt good. I don't know; I think watching all those heart-wrenching animes and emotional drama-dies combined with my ability to finally righteously feel what was being expressed through them opened me up in me the ability to be real and authentic, regarding my life of course. I mean the whole big picture. There's a lot of details I left out—some on purpose, some because I'm not certain I remembered them correctly, and certainly other's because I've forgotten them. The more I wrote, the better I felt, and it occurred to me it might help someone else somehow. Then even if no one but that one person reads anything I've written here—if it helped just that one person in any way—I mean...do they still say awesome sauce?
And on a more serious note, I really need to say this: if you need to talk to anyone, you can always call me at 812-463-2148. If you have a plan toward suicide, please, please call 911. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. If you're walking through life not understanding what the hell is going on, that feeling is really not uncommon; it really isn't, and you're not alone in that feeling. If you feel confused, lost, or even helpless it's more than okay to talk to someone! You're not weak. No one's going to judge, and if they do, you have my #, call me, and I'll give them a wall-to-wall counseling. Seriously though, you can call Behavioral Health Of Evansville, IN at 1- 800- 233-3596, or just call me. Life isn't a cakewalk; if it were, we'd all need those floaty things from Wall-E. I understand things can be really hard, even really, really hard. Please reach out and just be real and honest. In the end, you'll appreciate your willingness to have done so!
There are so many songs that can express my heart better than I can. You've seen how I often share some of these songs with you, hoping their sentiment might show you some of my heart that I desperately desire to express to you. I decided I'd leave you with two of 'em.
The first was written by Glenn Frey and Don Henley and sung by The Eagles. "Desperado". It kind of tells a little story about me with a way to conclude this thing called life I've been living...
Desperado
Why don't you come to your senses
You've Been out ridin' fences, for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
But I know that you've got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones you can't get
Desperado Oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walkin' through this world all alone
Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
And you're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away
Desperado
Why don't you come to your senses
Come down from those fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you,
let somebody love you
You better let somebody love you Before it's too late
The second was written by Don Henley, Mike Campbell, and J. D. Souther, and sung by Don Henley, "The Heart Of The Matter". I've always known there was something about this song, I just couldn't put my finger on it...
Heart Of The Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
No, it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down,
you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby;
cause life goes on You keep carrin' that anger,
it'll eat you up inside
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
The End
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