Points of Light, a story -
Sweetheart, I love you so much and I could never describe to you what you mean to me beyond this simple word, "Everything". I always look forward to our good morning kiss with as much wonderful, desired anticipation as I do to our goodnight kiss. But as pleasant as those kisses are, both those kisses and all the time between those kisses that we get to share together, make every breath I take throughout my day something that while I take every one of those breaths unconsciously, I desperately need you to know that because of you, every one of those unconscious breaths now has a beautiful meaning. Angela, do you realize I've spent a lifetime on a singular quest? Do you know for 60 years I've been deliberately searching for all things beautiful? Do you know my deepest desire has always been to find beauty in the meaning of a life lived? Do you know that when I write I put a lot of thought into every line I write and even a single phrase in any line I write can say volumes when it's carefully thought about? Well, when I just wrote, "every one of those unconscious breaths now has a beautiful meaning", if you want, you can consider that simple phrase along with the four questions that follow it, and with your imagination, the one I find all the light, color, and beauty I love so much, you can imagine the volumes of thinking about you that I put into that small little phrase.
How does your love for me run so deep? I desperately need to know the answer to that question. These last couple of years have been so hard for you as you've struggled with this and another health issue. You've fought each battle with a strong and determined heart and best of all, you've won. Yes, I know there were moments of doubt and sweetheart, every great and noble warrior throughout history have had their own moments of doubt and some have even shed tears. So, in the doubts you've experienced, please, please take note that while you may have never considered it, you were always surrounded by a cloud of people almost as great as yourself. Still and more importantly, there was that tiny softwood cross you carried that was a manifested token to the great faith you clung to. It was the faith that God would always come through for you, just as he did. So, when I look at this minor thing I'm going through, especially when you're still having difficulties walking - but you still get up and walk just to spend time with me and be able to provide for me - why do you try to find a solution that may alleviate or mitigate some of my silly medical issues without also seeing that it could work just as well for you? I mean, unless it has something to do with your love that runs deep for me, I have no friggin idea. How's that song we love so much go "I could if I wanted to, but I don't so I won't, whoopty friggin do!" We both laugh at that song so hard with so much joy in our hearts and I think we can both enjoy it because of how it's so silly and so ridiculous a concept that neither of us would make it a part of lives... (caveat - at least not for one another, never ever!) But, yeah, you're not 100% and still you're spending your precious time doting over me, in a word, WOW!
Then you make a place in your heart where you've put careful thought and consideration into providing me a space to sit down at my computer to write. I guess you did this knowing writing is a love of mine I love to love on, and you need me to love her, so to say. As I said in one of my recent blogs, " I mean, the people that love me, and most people do, they love me unconditionally (at least mostly :)). Why do these people love me? It goes precisely to how I desire to write to you. Every time I write to you, I desire to write you a love letter. When I write, if I can't share all of my love with you, I'd just assume not to write at all. In my quest to find beauty in this world, painting word pictures of love for you, at least to me, puts a little more light into this world and in that light, I hope every one of you gets to find colors, colors both bright and dull, but always colors that are full of love. Those words come to me exactly because I spend a lot of time thinking. But it's time for me to realize my thoughts come directly from my heart.
For me, my past told me to be circumspect for fear of not giving away my love. When I'm unguarded, I have an irrational fear that I'll reveal something mean and cruel to loved ones. I do have a mean and cruel streak residing within, I suppose we all do. But when I write to you, I have to search my heart so I can be honest, real, and very transparent with you. In this way, I'm able to share with you the genuine love I always have for you. The heart is something awesome and very much needed to thrive in a life lived. It's time that I realize you see my heart even when I'm not writing to you my thought-out stories of light, color, beauty, and many hearts smiles due to the love I have for you. My heart is huge, it leads me through life, it seeks for beauty, it flourishes through kindness, it causes my lived life to smile." But how do I give attention to writing with sincere intentionality to write a love letter when it divides my heart between two? I mean, Angela Groves, I love you with an all-in full-on-abandonment, but I love writing the same way. How can I love both with the attention to detail they both deserve? Sweetheart, I'm at a loss for words...said with the wriest of wry smiles ever smiled!
This song says it all
As Always,
Love and Peace,
Tod w/only one d
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