I almost didn't write this for you to read. I always feel I need to be strong for you, I feel as though you need to know I've moved so far away from the darkness that I continually have a celestial glow surrounding me. I say that tongue in cheek of course. But the point of this blog is to encourage all of us, including me, to write out our story with fierce honesty, giving our intrinsic light a chance to overcome the darkness of our emotional pain. That said, here comes fierce honesty.
My heart has been trying to pound out of chest ever since the accident with my hand. But as bad as that is, I'm stuck on anxiety, I'm stuck and can't write my story because of anxiety. I see how anxiety mucks up my emotions, making them impossible to decipher; let alone allow me to share them. I've learned there are times when certain people come into my life, my emotions want to come out of me like a flood that I have trouble turning off. My very deep emotions confuse me as I rarely allow for their emergence and when they do emerge, well, I'm unfamiliar with them. Where another person and my emotions intersect, my anxiety refuses to allow me to reveal what's real, what's on my heart.
Points Of Light, my heart so desires the love of others; it can be the love of a friend, the love of family, the love found in romance, it doesn't matter. Here at my keyboard, I can be honest, real, and transparent with all of you. But in person, well in person not so much. Anxiety overwhelms me and I halt my voice for fear of being found out that I lack, that I lack everything. Then along comes that someone I feel I can open up to, say a friend, and I greatly desire to love and be loved by this potential friend, because let's face it, feeling free to honestly open up to this person releases the pressure valve and calms the soul - that's something worth holding onto. Then these unfamiliar emotions emerge, and as if that wasn't enough to wrap your mind around, you need to know that at this point the anxiety pops back up, and I want to hide what I feel, because it tells me I lack everything and have nothing to offer. This is when I want my emotions to cease to exist and just disappear, but I suppose they've been locked up for so long they want to stay out a little longer. Points Of Light, this is when the poor person I want as a friend becomes confused as my inner struggle begins to act out - in my confusion they become confused.
I'm done with this; we all want love more than anything in the world. I want to love and be loved, and I want to feel all the emotions that
come with both. I'm a good, kind, intelligent, and deep man, right? I have things I bring to the table, right? Rather it's the love of a friend, the love of family, or the love found in romance, I deserve love, right? I'm open to anything you have to say. Much appreciated.
As Always
Love and Peace,
Tod w/only one d
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