Points of Light, if we pay attention, apparently, I've not, it's interesting how the Bible plays out its truths in our lives. For example, we may all know or recognize Romans telling us, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Some of us may even realize a few verses before this, Paul says, "Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later." I mean he even says "creation" is waiting for this glory yet to come, yet to be revealed!
The question, how many of us - did I - ever stop to compare this to Joseph? His elven brothers conspired against him to throw him down a very deep pit and live him for dead - DEAD! Did you read that word, that word dead? Either way, you and I can read about this in Genesis. You, and I, only need to know the evil intended in the conspiracy.
But Joseph will eventually become the hand of Pharaoh. In time you and I read this - "So they sent this message to Joseph: “Before your father died, he instructed us to say to you: ‘Please forgive your brothers for the great wrong they did to you—for their sin in treating you so cruelly.’ So, we, the servants of the God of your father, beg you to forgive our sin.” When Joseph received the message, HE BROKE DOWN AND WEPT. Then his brothers came and threw themselves down before Joseph. “Look, we are your slaves!” they said. But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? YOU INTENDED TO HARM ME, BUT GOD INTENDED IT ALL FOR GOOD. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So, he reassured them by speaking kindly to them."
Yes, I'm deliberately and desperately looking internally with the expressed thoughts of these biblical passages. I'm trying to figure out and then work out why I internalize separation and segregation in my mind even while I'm physically in the presence of warm flesh and blood people.
So, these biblical passages have ultimately come around to make me aware of how I need to pause and finally, really breathe when I look at my blog. Specifically, when I look at chapters 1-3 in the Being Fiercely Honest portion of my blog, beginning with my very conception, where I see a lot of complex negativities conspiring against me to bring its darkness and some nasty, ravenous beats into my life.
But I've held onto chapters 1-3 for far too long, I've given those chapters far too much gravity, keeping myself tethered to those chapters. I'm learning to give that gravity up, exchanging it for grace. Perhaps, those chapters of my life were meant for evil. But!
But the conclusion is a crazy journey that's brought me to a place where I can blend with people suffering from deep emotional pain, helping them find a way out their own Slough of Despondency.
It seems that parents process an enormous amount of power over their children. This power can be used to either spark these children to feel their own intrinsic light, color, and beauty or, take them to a place where the child will blow out their light which dissolves their color and they'll begin to feel they reside in a dark place where they'll unwittingly feel too bankrupt to sense the awesome beauty, they very much own.
It seems that parents process an enormous amount of power over their children. This power can be used to either spark these children to feel their own intrinsic light, color, and beauty or, take them to a place where the child will blow out their light which dissolves their color, and they'll begin to feel they reside in a dark place where they'll unwittingly feel too bankrupt to sense the awesome beaty, they very much own.
The latter was me as a child. The later would rule over me for too many years - owning me, treating me like any tyrannical, beastly monster treats anyone. The lie's this monster would tell me are so much of the negative self-talk that still works to repress all the light, color, and beauty I have to share with all of you. That said, you'll know me to be honest with you, and honesty demands I tell you those were only lie's I used to listen to and unwittingly believed.
While those lies held the all of me, while I gave those lies all the gravity in the universe; I'm calling them out for the very lies they are! I'm
giving up their gravity and releasing that tyrannical beast with the sweet knowledge of beautiful reciprocity. I hear you asking - "What is the reciprocity, Tod?" Nothing less than the reception of God's Loving Grace.
So, those lies. Were they thoughtless - yes. Were they premeditated - no. Did they reach the depths of my soul - yes. Did I feel them deeply - yes.
So where do I begin? What is it that makes me real, honest, authentic, and transparent? Hmmm, I'm a person, a man, a human being that lives with emotions that are wide, long, high, and deeply felt. If you were to paint my portrait with watercolors, you'd have to choose the colors that represent everything I feel at every point I occupy in time and space, putting them all on this singular place. About those colors that represent my emotion, of necessity they'd run, and they'd end up obfuscating the finished portrait.
I'm not saying the portrait wouldn't be beautiful to look at, nor am I saying feeling life very deeply is a bad thing that happens in me. On the contrary, it actually makes me deep, thoughtful, caring, intuitive, and on occasion, responsive. But the young me had no concept of my depth of feeling; I just felt without understanding (I mean, this carried on in me for what felt like forever). Each lie I heard felt like a thousand cuts on my flesh. Do you want to know what the lies were? Okay -
1. You always have to do things perfectly. Mistakes are unforgivable, and besides, if I'd just listen, I'd never have made a mistake. 2. The flipside of the same coin, perfection is possible. But it was the rare occasion I achieved it. 3. Learning and retaining knowledge is the only way to gain familial love and affection. Not doing so keeps one separated and isolated. 4. Not achieving 1-3 makes you less than a person - no good, stupid, unworthy to be listened to, and makes it easy to forget about / ignore you as your only really worth separation and isolation. 5. Love isn't unconditional. Love is dependent on perfection and doing things perfectly. It also depends on learning and retaining knowledge. It's also dependent on what you can do and accomplish well for your parent; no accomplishment - no love.
Those were the lies. As I said, I know they were given to me without thought and with no premeditation intended. I look back and I can only consider how deeply I took all of them to heart, how my very tinder heart was severely bruised, and my young soul crushed over and over again by them. The emotions and feelings those lies produced have stayed with me far too long. They've severely judged me through the years, never allowing me a moment of modicum peace. They've interfered in potential relations, and honest to goodness familial and friendly relationships. It's time they meet their demise.
Love and Peace,
Tod w/only one d
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