The Light Of Giving Tenderness To Past Thoughtlessness

Points of Light, I wrote this little story during a time of reflection. I wrote it knowing writing can never change the past. What this exercise did was make me aware that presence and the act of being present is always a good thing and I should always practice it, even if only exercised while I write. I found so much light in this exercise which helped me find color in a past life I felt had only been enveloped by utter darkness. In retrospect, with this new revelation of beauty I find in this story, I actually realize it represented a poignant moment of awareness that, even now, needs my being present to learn!

I Don't Remember Your Name - But I've Never Forgotten You

In high school, during those two or three classes, there you were being a friend. You took precious time out of your life to talk to me while you often smiled and the laughter you allowed to fall between us was both soft and generous. Had I looked, would I have noticed you were beautiful? I remember you asked because you often asked, "Will you go to the Military Ball?" But I didn't dance, let alone feel comfortable around more than, say two or three people. While I didn't laugh at you when I answered, I did laugh every time I answered, saying the same thing each time, "No"!

There were my other JROTC friends talking about the ball that year. One by one they seemed to want to go and I began having second thoughts like, "maybe I should go." I mean, Military Ball, I was on both the JROTC Drill Team and Rifle Team, I respected my JROTC military uniform, and the Ball was militarily related after all. I don't remember when it happened, but my mind changed when next you asked me, "Will you go to the Military Ball?". "I might go" I coyly answered a time or two until I finally gave you a definitive "Yes" answer. After that, your question changed, but you still asked me, "Are you going to ask and take anyone to the ball?" Of course I wasn't, I was taking myself and no one else, that was usually my answer, said in a nonchalant way, with the occasional "No" said with light nervous laughter.

On the day of the Military Ball, I showed up as said, by myself. I found some of my friends and sat at their table. To my surprise, I was having both fun and a decent time. I hadn't been there long when I looked up and saw you walking toward the table directly in front of me. There you found an empty chair to sit -facing me. I can't help but remember thinking how cool it was that you'd seemed so interested in the Military Ball, even though you weren't in the JROTC, and I was happy that you "found" a dress and made your way there. I eventually made my way over to you so I could say "Hi" and wish you a good time. After we chatted for a brief minute and as I was about to turn away and walk back to my table, you asked me another question, "Are you going to dance?", I had already turned my back when I answered you -"No".

The band was awesome as they played beautiful slow-dancing Motown music. Some of these songs and music had always allowed me a way to feel vicariously through them. Still, I never intended to dance, I really didn't. So, it must have been the song the band was playing and the voice of their vocalist that made something seem real to me when a strange girl I didn't know walked up to me and asked me to dance with her. I did. Then I danced with her again, then again for one or two more songs.

To this day I don't know if your dress was beautiful that night or if you looked beautiful wearing it. Today they try to tell us there is no difference between men and women. But as I listen to this Janis Ian song from 1975, it brought back memories of this experience we had back then, and I really think this song speaks to me and it says something different to me as a man than it says to you as a woman; just as it spoke differently to me as a boy (had I actually took time to hear what Janis Ian was trying to say), and to you as a girl, back in 1976. As I listen to it at this moment of being present, I'm trying to convince myself that you were bold by coming to the Ball. But then there's that difference between girls and boys I now realize I need to take into consideration. So, rather people looked at you during those years in high school and called you beautiful, I'll never know. I do know you were being a friend to me, you smiled and allowed laughter to fall between us that was both soft and generous. So, with this fresh perspective from being present with this powerful Janis Ian song on my heart, I now know and see with all my heart you were always very beautiful!

As back then, I'm still not bright enough to understand and grasp much about life, but science as well. Still, I hear in physics and specifically in the quantum field studies of that discipline there's something known as the "many worlds" interpretation. When I listen to this song with my male ears, I take solace in knowing there is at least one of those worlds where I asked you if you'd have liked to go to that Military Ball with me, you know, if you'd have allowed me to escort you to the Ball. In that world, you said yes, I picked you up and we went there together where we danced all night. I don't dare imagine much more, but I know in that world a kiss happened. Yeah, this guy felt awesome for someone so beautiful as you kissing him. Songs huh?

As Always,

Love and Peace,

Tod w/only one d