Points of Light, hopefully, a life lived means one always has a chance to learn, to change, to grow. When I look at my life lived, I realize there was another man who used to breathe, walk, and talk (live) inside this skin you see every time you chance a look at me. That man was a very different person from the man I am at the present. With vigorous grit and much determination, I've moved as far from him as possible. From time to time, I look back at him to measure the distance I've traveled in the getting away from him. Of that man, I know all to well that he'd have never enjoyed the company of strong women who comfortably live in their own bodies while they exude a mixture of what I find extremely attractive, feminine, and yeah, sexy. The man that I am now is always searching for beauty and in my life lived where beauty is my goal, and where beauty affords me every opportunity, I need to obtain ultimate joy and happiness, I've allowed myself to engage in friendships with women who live these qualities. Because of the man I've become, I can fearlessly and easily tell you all the following is true. I love an intelligent woman who fearlessly speaks her own mind. I love a woman confident in her femininity and vocalizes *out loud* the emotions that tug at her heart - and that light up her countenance. I love a woman who's creative and artistic and who finds joy in herself when she unleashes her creative artistry to the world. I absolutely love a woman who doesn't know how nor ever considers the concept of withholding her love away from anyone. As I just described this to you, this is to me what makes a woman beautiful. So, as finding beauty IS my heart's desire, when I find this woman with all this complete beauty residing in her person (and I have), well, I have no problem admitting that in finding and experiencing her beauty, the beauty I've so desperately searched for, she allows me to experience ecstasy, the ecstasy I feel that comes along with knowing ultimate joy and happiness. Do I need to tell you when I'm enveloped in everything this experience offers me that my heart smiles? Well, just in case I do, in everything this experience offers me, my heart smiles!
The other man I used to be would never have allowed himself to experience ANY of this! He had a rather cynical view of himself and of his abilities wherein he never valued his own intrinsic beauty. This is what he said of himself in 2010: "Pieces of me, that’s all. Stay where you are. Come no closer. You need not know more. Stay where you are. Where I am you shall not come. You cannot enter. Here behind the veil lies all of me, something I keep in reserve, hidden, set aside for me and me alone, my secret guarded. One knot is my lock, Gordian knot to be sure, tried and true. Stay away. I will share, but on my terms and please be sure that only I hold these terms also within, they are mine as well! What is within is within for my reasons, for the purposes I choose. So stay away, and our unison will be strong. There are things within, many, many things—some good, some bad—but they shall be held with steely grit and determination. My life, my way, by this I am bound; and by this, I live or die. The things within may be hideous, they may be wondrously beautiful, but I am free of your rule. You have no power over me. I will be a rock, a fortress. If I acquiesce it is on my terms, and you shall see a little, but not all, never all. And be confident of this rule with firm resolution, for in that I will be happy. Do not pry, do not prod, and do not hope to know more than all that I reveal! There is so much within. Why do you wish for more? Don’t I know best what to deal out? Ask not the question “Who does he wish to protect?" for rather I protect myself or those without, only I can choose. The lock is strong, it will remain. Stay where you are, and with you do not think to bring along Alexander!" I'm pleased to have had the chance to learn, to change, and to grow, and that because I've done this, I've moved past that miserable man - I've changed, I'm different, I'm better. Having said that, from time to time I can still hear him speak to me as I hear him calmly and coolly whispering to me, "Come on man."
About what that old man sometimes whispers in my ear, please understand that these three little words, "Come on man", are the most enticing words a conman and huckster can employ as he tries to get you to buy his useless and meaningless goods. Recently, I'm ashamed to admit that he did indeed entice me, and as a result, I found depression squeezing my heart as it tried it's very best to take away all my inward beauty I so much enjoy giving to others because, well, I also desire to give others heart smiles of their own.
But his words quickly lost their destructive sway over me, because you see, in my quest to find beauty, this new man that I've become has learned to never let go of the true beauty from the women I've supported entry into my life. I want to thank God for these women because it was their loving light that is brighter than that dank old man that used to live within my skin. With a very bright intensity of light, it was they who spoke love back into my heart when the darkness of depression seemed to overwhelm me. These women were given to me by the ultimate authority with which they had to shower me with this ultimate wisdom "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." I'll never understand how this wisdom so naturally resides in the hearts of the women with whom I've satisfied my quest to find ultimate beauty, but I'll gratefully accept it's truth. Along with this acceptance, I found the grace to untether myself from that old man's words that had enticed me with so much unnecessary gravity. It was the beauty I found in these women's love that cut the Gordian knot I felt wanting to lock me back up inside a previous hellish prison of my own mind. It's only been a day and I'm already marking the many steps I've made as I've moved away from that useless old man's words - said another way, from a mirage that I should never have given any substance to in the first place. I love this present life lived that's so full of all the colors light gives to me to observe all the ultimate beauty I desire to find, both of my own making and of course, of these beautiful women in my life. Concerning them, I will always and forever be grateful!
As Always
Love and Peace
Tod w/ one d
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