Truth be Told and Fierce Honesty

Points of Light, I’ve always promised to be both transparent and fiercely honest with you. Sometimes, many of us here will find ourselves in a crisis. Presently, I'm working my way through such a crisis. I've allowed myself to forget about a wonderful and amazing gift, the gift of Light, color, and beauty. Forgetting about this gift, I've been listlessly meandering around in a very dark place. Here, I've allowed menacing beasts to attack my thoughts and emotions. Said another way, I've been struggling with my inner self, fighting against myself, and choosing to fail in this struggle.

Points of Light, I'm beginning to wake up and realize the choice I've been making. Why? Well, I have you, of course, but I have my words as well. I've written again and again to you about how until recently, relatively speaking, I've spent most of my life in a prison of darkness, fighting hideous beasts with razor-sharp teeth wanting to devour my flesh. It took me years to finally realize this darkness and those beasts were just my very own thought process beating me up and telling me horrible lies about who and what I am. I've told you how from time to time, while I was in that dark prison, sometimes the thinnest slivers of light found their way through that darkness and afforded me an opportunity to discover color and beauty. This is my metaphor to describe those few times when I allowed those rare occasions to feel warm and happy emotions vicariously through music I'd listen to, or, the times that I'd write little things that told stories about happiness I so desperately needed to believe existed somewhere out there in the world outside of my own skin. Eventually, I'd find that the stories I'd write were always full of light, color, and beauty and that they brought joy to people who read them. Finally, with the help of a wonderful therapist, I came to understand this beauty came from inside me.

Light, color, and beauty should never be taken lightly. Why? Well, isn't light, color, and beauty a gift God bequeaths to us? Do we receive this gift via our own merit, said another way, because we deserve this gift, or, is the gift given to us by grace alone? If it's a gift based solely on grace, well, that makes it too precious to ever take for granted. Okay, let us define this light, color, and beauty. We can understand Light as a metaphor for how we choose to view our world. We can understand Color as a metaphor for finding wonder in our world. Finally, we can understand Beauty as a metaphor for finding happiness in this world.

So, for the last few years, I have used words to write my life differently and used these words to realize the world I breathed and put forth steps to move through time and space, wasn't dark at all, rather it was filled with light, color, and beauty! But as I said, this is a gift I've recently decided to forget about and I've been drifting around in the pain of darkness. Having said this, I’ve once asked of you, if you find yourself in a dark place with thoughts of suicide, to please reach out and talk… “That word "talk." This whole blog is about using words as a means to find something more out of life. I am also always suggesting you write these words, but right now is the time to talk. Right now you need to use your words to talk and find more. So call, talk, and use your words to find more, please.” How can I ask this of you if I’m not willing to do the same? So, I need to reach out to you with an honest and sincere heart, and, well, Isn’t honesty being transparent, and doesn’t transparency allow the sunlight to cleanse a menacing thought life that only wants to bring one down and destroy any hope of our happiness? Points of light, this honest transparency is never easy to do, and to that point, it’s been necessary to share these words with you… “So, I'm in much need of your prayers and very best thoughts - indeed, I covet this from you. There's some brutal honesty I need to confront and write about. This will tax my heart as well as my mind. I need to dig deep and face some harsh realities that I've not dared face before. It will be extremely painful, it will hurt, I'll be made sad, and I'll shed some tears, but afterward, it will bring healing, much-needed healing. Yes, the past is not present, still, the present exists in the framework of the past. No, the past can't be repaired and fixed, but the past can be looked upon with fresh eyes that understand in a new and better way.“ It’s this new and better way I’m always asking you to write about, especially if you’re in a crisis.

So now, if truth be told, even when it's not true, it’s easy to walk around and answer a friendly question of “How are you doing?”, with this lie, “I’m fine, everything’s okay here”! Yes, when our answer ought to reveal the truth, we almost always answer this question with the big lie. In fact, society has programmed us to tell the lie - so much so that it comes easily to most of us. When honestly asked, “How are you doing?”, this is when telling the truth becomes hard. A beautiful song speaks to this and here are some of its lyrics:

Lie number one: You're supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you're doing, just smile and tell them "Never better"

Lie number two: Everybody's life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

But truth be told, the truth is rarely told

>Then this question is asked in the song….

Oh, am I the only one?

Who says, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine?

But I'm not, I'm broken. But when it's out of control, I say, "It's under control", but it's not, I don't know why it's so hard to admit it, when being honest is the only way to fix it.

Points of light, sometimes we truly need someone who can both understand and relate to us on a very personal level, and we need to hear something like, "Emotional pain is hard and can feel very dark. In that darkness, you can feel isolated, alone, and very lonely. I've been there, and I empathize with you more than you can know. It's because I've been where you are, that down to the very marrow of my bones, I understand you." In this vein, I've committed myself to being open to you by sharing with you my e-mail address, phone number, and my blog site (where you

can also contact me) - price1tod@gmail.com 812-463-2148 WritingBeautifulLight.com, and I've done this to let you know I'm always present to listen to anything you might want or need to discuss or vent.

So, the implied question is this, "Tod, how are you doing? Please feel free to be honest with your answer and tell us the truth. We ask because rather you know it or not, you're not alone; we love you; we're proud of you, and we see your Light. " So, honesty demands I answer you thusly - as of late, my thought life hasn’t been fine, in fact, it’s been broken. What exactly does this mean? The answer is, I’ve recently entertained thoughts of suicide. But honesty also demands I tell you, no, reassure you, that I’m going to be okay. Now, you need to know that I don’t say this flippantly or lightly, I mean this down to the marrow of my bones! So, now the question is this, “Tod, how can we be so sure?" The pure, transparent honesty of my answer is found woven throughout this entire post. You see Points of Light, with transparent honesty, I’ve been using my words to find that "better way" talked about in the fourth paragraph. That, and I’m well aware that just as I’ve been here for you, you’ve been there for me, and I can assure myself of this because each one of you have been brilliant Points of Light known and seen by so many, me happily being one of the many! As that Point of Light, I’ve found comfort in telling you the truth. Having been transparently honest, I’m finding assurance that I’m accountable to someone other than myself. Having been transparently honest, I’ve spoken the words that dare not be spoken, that is, the truth has been told, and as the song says, that’s the only way to fix it. For allowing me to speak the truth and be fiercely honest, you deserve great thanks. With your support, I'm writing a better story, and with a marvelous gift of grace, it's being filled with, that's right; light, color, and beauty!

Love and Peace,

Tod w/only one d